


When Sunshine Shatters

by btsunshine



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hurt Felix, Lee Felix Has Anxiety (Stray Kids), Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), M/M, Mental Health Issues, OT8, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sad, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Seo Changbin is Whipped, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-16 05:02:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29570748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btsunshine/pseuds/btsunshine
Summary: Everyone has an image, in their head, of what mental illness is supposed to look like. They envision a particular person when they imagine a mental illness. If you talk about a broken arm or a sprained ankle, people think about casts and crutches. and it goes the same way for mental illness. Humans like to associate things with images. This is no different.Felix has always been Stray Kids' sunshine, everyone tells him that. They love his smiles and his cuddles and his personality. He is the polar opposite of someone you'd think of as struggling with his mental health.So when he finds himself crumbling, he resolves to fix it himself. He's got to be the group's sunshine, their ray of happiness, because that's his role in the team. But how long can he hide his pain until it breaks him apart?
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 46
Kudos: 105





	1. Sweater

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing Stray Kids, so here are a few things I want to make note of:
> 
> -I'm not referring to real events, not entirely... this fits very loosely starting in Spring 2019, but not all events line up perfectly.
> 
> -I'll be writing OT8-- I just got introduced to SKZ in 2020, so I do not have a relevant opinion about any other number of members.
> 
> -I'm also writing from members' perspectives, so what I imagine them to be thinking doesn't necessarily reflect what I think myself :)
> 
> -I hope you enjoy!

It was actually a beautiful summer day when Felix first felt it.

It wasn't a dark and stormy night, like a literary cliché. Nor was it a cold, wintery day, where the wind whipped at the bare skin on your nose.

On the contrary, the day was quite lovely. The dancer had woken up in his dorm to sunlight streaming through the window, the hardwood floor pleasantly warm under his toes. He put on the new sweater he'd been dying to wear and a pair of skinny jeans. Breakfast that morning was pretty good, and Felix ate quickly before walking to the company building.

He walked alone, because it was earlier than usual. Today was one of the rare days when he woke up earlier than his alarm. But Felix didn't mind being alone. Rather, he was happy to feel the sun shining down on him, to admire the way that light reflected on the leaves of trees. The rapper inhaled the fresh air and welcomed the light breeze that ruffled his hair. He put his earphones in and put on a random playlist, one of the few things he got to change up in their monotonous schedule. He nodded along to the beat of the song as he walked.

It was a short walk from the dorm to the company building. Before he knew it, he was there, waving a hello to the security guard and nodding slightly in place of a bow. He knew all the security guards' names, and would talk to them sometimes. But he wasn't supposed to linger too long, in case someone noticed him.

There was enough time to stop and chat, if he wanted to. But the bleached-blond simply walked past the guard today, deciding he didn't feel like a conversation this early.

He took the elevator to the artists' floor. It had been a year since they debuted, and it finally felt normal for him to push the elevator button for one of the upper artists' floors rather than the lower trainee floors. Did that mean he finally believed he was an artist now? The thought turned over in his head for a moment before the elevator doors opened, and he had to get out.

Felix wasn't that tired, but something urged him to stop at the coffee machine. He made himself a small cup, stirring in some sugar and cream-- but not too much, of course, because they had to be healthy for their comeback in... what was it now, six weeks? 

He brought the cup over to their dance practice room, inhaling the familiar scent of sweat. The room was empty-- he was the first one there. So he turned on the lights, set his backpack down on the table, and sat in an empty chair, sipping his coffee. He winced slightly at the taste-- he'd only started trying coffee during their previous comeback, when their schedule got hectic. The bitterness still surprised him every time, even though he tried to convince himself he was getting used to the taste.

The clock on the wall told him that there was still half an hour before dance practice started. There wasn't much time before everyone else would arrive. So he drank quickly and headed to the middle of the room to stretch before practice. His knee had been a little sore lately, and he wanted to make sure he was ready to dance.

During this morning practice, they were going to go over the choreography for one of their upcoming B-sides and film a dance practice video. He was excited for Stays to see his new sweater. He wasn't sure they'd notice, but he thought he looked at least a tiny bit good in it.

After this, he had an hour of vocal practice, then he was supposed to go work on a song for a few hours. He had a free hour after that, which meant he probably had to go find an empty room in the company and finish his Korean homework.

Then he had an hour of Japanese lessons, followed directly by an hour of Korean lessons-- because learning two languages in direct succession isn't confusing, of course. Afterwards, there was some sort of company meeting to discuss their next comeback, and finally an evening dance practice that would take an indefinite amount of time, considering how they always seemed to stay late.

JYP was planning for them to have another comeback in June, even though that was just a few weeks away and they didn't really have enough songs ready, let alone finished choreography for their performances.

Instinctively, he looked in the mirror at his reflection. His eyes traveled to the JYP logo on the wall behind him, and for some reason he felt his breath catch in his throat. Tears formed in his eyes. He tried to blink them away, but they were too fast for him. Before he knew it, tears were falling down his cheeks, landing on the soft cotton of his sweater.

Felix didn't know what was happening, why this feeling was suddenly gripping him. But he left the practice room, quickly passing through the halls with his head down. He found an empty workroom and entered it, shutting the door behind him and locking it.

His legs felt weird and unstable, like hollowed-out logs, and he couldn't bother to walk over to the swivel chair in front of the workroom desk.

Instead, the blond stood by the door, hands clamped over his mouth to muffle the sound of his crying. He peered through the frosted glass nervously, to make sure he didn't see any blurry shadows passing by, people that might hear him crying.

He hated the sound of his sobs, the shaky, high-pitched sounds that were so uncharacteristic of him. He was supposed to have a deep voice, right, that was supposed to be his charming point.

But Felix's mind was in all sorts of a muddled mess and he had to get his thoughts in order.

Why was he freaking out right now?

The Australian thought of himself as more of an ordinary person than the sunshine that Stays seemed to think he was. And ordinary people have bad days, he understood that. He'd found himself in tears at the end of many stressful days as a trainee, or even after they debuted and he couldn't get something right.

But there was something different about his emotions today, because he was acting how he did when he was super stressed out. And there wasn't even anything wrong right now.

He looked up at the company logo stenciled on the wall, and felt his heart clench a little. Maybe he was just overwhelmed today. That was probably it. Maybe he'd put too much sugar in his coffee and drank it too quickly, and the buzz was making him emotional.

His thoughts briefly flashed to his family at home, who he hadn't been able to see for a while. But he pushed that thought to the back of his head.

He was reminded of his old school friends, who he hadn't been able to talk to since he debuted and things went crazy. He wondered how they were doing, but he ignored the thought.

He thought about his new family. Stray Kids. Thinking about the group usually brought him comfort when he was stressed, but today it made him feel a little worse. It only reminded him of all the work he had to do. All the choreography he had to learn. All the songs he had to make. All the performances he was going to do with them.

They all had their bad days too, but none of them seemed to feel as stuck in their emotions as he did. A tear rolled down his cheek with that thought, and he tried to forget it.

He thought about the future, and saw a gaping hole of uncertainty. Stray Kids was only a year into their debut and he wasn't sure how long he could do this. He was worried he was starting to feel burnt out, and they were still a rookie group. God, if he kept thinking this way, he'd probably end up putting a curse on the group. He rubbed his forehead a little too aggressively, hoping the thought would go away.

He wasn't even sure why he was feeling this way. He knew he was physically capable of everything he needed to do. He could get up right now and learn choreography. He could sing or rap right now if he wanted to, force the words out of his throat.

He couldn't even put the feeling into words. It just felt like whatever spark he'd been kindling in himself had gone out, and he wasn't even sure why.

He wiped away the wetness on his cheeks with his sweater sleeve, frowning as he saw the marks on the light grey sweater. Small blotches of darkness dotted the fabric where tears had fallen. Frowning, he took the sweater off, leaving him in an old t-shirt. The air conditioning was high in the building these days and he felt himself shiver, but it wasn't like he could do anything to fix it.

He slung the sweater over a shoulder and walked back to the practice room, shaking his head as if it would cause all his memories of whatever just happened to disappear.

When he got back to the practice room, Hyunjin and Seungmin were already there, stretching and talking quietly as they warmed up. Neither of them paid him much attention as he folded the sweater he'd been so excited to wear and stuffed it into his backpack.


	2. Lemonade

_Maybe this is a one-time thing_ , Felix thought to himself, _maybe I'm just in a slump._

He had gone about his day as normally as he could, going through rehearsals and training. Now it was his free hour, an entire hour and fifteen minutes where he had nothing scheduled.

Normal people would probably use this as a lunch break-- it was past noon, after all-- but Felix had everything planned, down to an art. He used the hour to finish whatever homework his Japanese or Korean teacher had assigned. Then, during the daily language classes in the afternoon, he'd munch on a convenience store snack or a hastily-grabbed plate from the JYP cafeteria. That way, he finished his homework, got a chance to eat, and didn't fall asleep from the boredom of class.

Some of his members went down to the cafeteria during their break, or even back to the dorm to take a nap. But Felix never did. Because, for all of his flaws, he had to give JYP credit for one thing-- the man had some big buildings. There were entire floors dedicated for artists to work in, some with so many rooms that it could be a maze. There were small rooms for producers to work in, meeting rooms for the staff or groups to talk, and some of the floors had extra dance practice rooms if you wanted to practice alone.

The Australian usually went to the sixth floor and down to one of the small rooms on the east-facing side of the building. It was oddly specific, but he found that the rooms there were usually quiet, since they were far from the dance rooms.

And, since the other half of the floor was where trainees did their school lessons, most artists didn't go there. It was sometimes uncomfortable running into trainees. Even though most of them were super polite and respectful, there were the occasional few who seemed jealous, or who seemed to have a need to prove they were better. Felix himself had almost been dragged into a "friendly" dance battle with trainees more than once.

Still, if he took the east side stairs instead of the elevator, trainees weren't supposed to be on that side, so he was fairly safe from those encounters.

The blond walked through the hallway, slipping into the second-last room in the hall. The room was meant to be a conference room, with a long table and eight chairs around it. But it was empty, always empty, so Felix liked to work in that room. It was sunny enough that he didn't even need to turn on the lights, and he settled in comfortably, sliding his backpack onto the table and taking out his work.

Today, he had a passage to translate from Korean into English, and then a worksheet of Japanese grammar to fill out. Felix opted to take on the worksheet first, opening his textbook and quickly figuring out the rules, mumbling to himself as he finished it quickly. Japanese had always been slightly harder for him than Korean, but he thought he was doing a decent job at keeping up with lessons.

He took out the passage, scanning it over. It looked fine. Although he took Japanese lessons in a small class, his Korean lessons were done with a tutor, one-on-one. So he was determined not to make mistakes.

The passage was a short story about a girl learning to swim, and once he'd translated everything and checked it over, Felix set his head on his hands and let his mind wander. Finally, he let himself think about his episode that morning. There had to be some reason he'd burst into tears, no matter how spontaneous it felt at the time. He knew that idols took breaks sometimes for psychological struggles, but he didn't think he was someone that was struggling.

 _I'm probably just tired today,_ he thought to himself, _we've spent a lot of time getting ready for the comeback._

He let his eyes wander out the window, aimlessly following the cars on the street and the people on the sidewalk.

 _I'll be fine._ Felix thought to himself. _This won't happen again, because I'm happy where I am right now, and tomorrow I'll be perfectly fine, I won't even remember that I cried today._

Somehow, he found it hard to believe himself. But he shouldn't, right? He was happy. He was living out his dreams.

A knock on the door roused him out of his thoughts. It was the band's "secret" knock, if you could call it that. They always knocked with a specific rhythm so that they'd know it was another member.

"Come in," Felix called, sitting up in his chair and turning to see who it was.

Changbin poked his head through the door. "Hey Lix, I was just passing by, do you want some lemonade?"

"Oh?" Felix smiled, "sure, come here hyung, I have nothing to do anyways."

"Good!" Changbin walked through the door, and the younger of the two tilted his head in confusion as he saw the main rapper holding two bottles of lemonade.

"Two bottles, hyung?" Felix laughed, catching on. "Were you really just passing by, or did you plan this?"

"I swear," Changbin said, his cheeks slightly flushed, "I was just walking--"

Felix raised an eyebrow. "On the sixth floor? Where nobody goes? With two bottles of lemonade?"

Changbin pouted playfully. "If you don't want the lemonade, I'm going." He turned away.

"No, no, come back." Felix laughed, getting up and wrapping his member in a back hug. "I'm sorry, I want the lemonade, stay with me."

Changbin sat in the chair beside him, and they opened the bottles, trying a sip of the lemonade.

"Oh, this is good!" Felix said, turning to Changbin in surprise.

"You like it?" The older of the two smiled. "I'm glad, I saw the convenience store had a new brand and I thought you'd want to try it."

"So you were looking for me, hyung." Felix said triumphantly. "I knew it. How did you know where I was, anyways?" Although he came here almost every day, Felix hadn't told his members about his favorite study spot. It wasn't that he was hiding from them, but if they knew that there was often a whole hall of empty conference rooms, he was afraid of the craziness they'd cause. They were crazy enough in the own space of their dorm.

"I asked the guard who monitors the security cameras." Changbin smiled. "You're a sneaky one, seriously, nobody else had a clue where you were." He took a sip of the drink. "Wait, it's okay that I'm here, right, I'm not intruding on anything?"

"This was a bit of a secret," Felix admitted. "I kind of just go here because it's quiet, you know? There are people everywhere else. Even in the dorm, you're never really alone."

"...I'm sorry." Changbin offered sheepishly.

"No, it's okay hyung, I'm glad for this to just be a spot the two of us know about. Our special spot." Felix decided, with a smile. "But I'd prefer if you didn't tell anyone about this."

"I won't," Changbin promised. "Your secret is safe with me."

They paused for a moment, sipping their lemonade and gazing out the window.

"Hey," Changbin said after a while, "it's crazy that even Chan-hyung doesn't know about this place, he's been at JYP for so long."

"I don't think anyone really knows about this place." Felix shrugged. "Maybe staff used to do meetings here or something, but trainees just do their lessons on the west side, and the east side is just... it's just here." he sighed.

"I get why you like it, though." the main rapper smiled. "You're right, none of us is ever alone. It's weird being on this floor again, I never came here after I debuted."

Felix nodded, agreeing excitedly. "I didn't start coming here until recently, either, because for the longest time I wanted to prove that something in me had changed after I debuted. That I was somehow better than a trainee. It was like, if I distanced myself from the trainees, I could make myself think that I was somehow better than them. Even though I know I'm--" He stopped. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was going to say." But he _did_ know, he was going to say that he wasn't as good as the trainees. He didn't know why he debuted.

Changbin frowned thoughtfully. "No, that makes sense. I'd like to forget how stressful being a trainee was, too. I distance myself from my trainee days too."

That wasn't what he had been saying at all. But Felix couldn't tell if the rapper had actually misunderstood, or was purposely giving him an out-- an excuse so he didn't have to admit his insecurities.

They were quiet again for a while, sipping on the lemonade until it was completely gone. The empty bottles sat on the table, the clear glass perfect and pristine in the afternoon light. Felix smiled wistfully as he saw the winking face that seemed to be the lemonade's brand. His gaze travelled to the face of the rapper beside him, eyes taking in the precision of the sculpted lines and angles as-- oh, Changbin was smiling. "Hey, Felix," the rapper started, "do you want to--"

But just as he began to speak, a tone sounded from Changbin's pocket, and he quickly grabbed his phone. "Oh, it's Jisung-- oh my god, Lix, I completely forgot 3Racha is supposed to meet with some producers to talk about our comeback. I'm so sorry. I'll talk to you later. I hope you liked the lemonade." he said quickly, standing up and leaving before Felix could say another word, simply waving a quick goodbye.

Felix's mind hopped from confusion, to actually registering the words that his hyung had said in his hurry to leave.

_Oh yeah, the comeback._

Changbin was an unexpectedly sweet hyung. The boy he'd first met as a trainee, the one with a dark rapping persona, a growling voice, and a killer jawline, would turn out to be one of the most caring people he'd ever met. After he talked to Changbin, he always felt good, like he'd been talking to a friend back home. There was something so comforting about him.

But he didn't feel that same happiness he usually did, and he sighed, leaning back in his chair. All that was on his mind now was the comeback. It was coming up so quickly, it was like they didn't even get a break from the last one.

He didn't move from the seat, staring up at the ceiling and spinning slowly in the chair. Instead of that onslaught of thoughts he'd had this morning, his mind was blank now. Somehow, it wasn't a peaceful blankness, more of a hollowness, an emptiness, as if he'd expended all his energy on whatever had happened that morning.

Felix sat there silently, his feet making gentle pushes off the floor and keeping his chair in a slow spin. There was a sort of melancholic numbness to it.

He would have stayed there all day if he could, let his mind be devoid of thoughts, let himself bathe in the desolation, but his phone chirped out a notification.

Japanese lesson in 5 minutes.

Felix sighed a deep sigh as he got up, dazedly preparing to face the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a crazy thought, but I'm starting to wonder if quarantine has affected my ability to write dialogue. I used to write fanfics before I was interested in K-Pop, and then it was a lot easier to write dialogues. Now I feel sometimes stuck trying to figure out what's supposed to happen in conversations? And maybe part of it is due to the cultural differences between the country I grew up in (Canada) and South Korea, although I am from an Asian cultural background.
> 
> Regardless-- thank you for reading this so far, I'm honestly surprised that this is getting any acknowledgement. This is my first time trying to write a real fanfic with a plot and I'm just genuinely so happy to see that there might be interest in it :)


	3. Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is meant to happen a few days after the previous chapter, I hope that's not too confusing :)

Stray Kids had finally decided on their lead single for the next comeback, and 3Racha had been in the studio all day and night perfecting the track.

The other members popped in sometimes to listen and give their opinions, or to just provide some company. Felix knew he should stop by and say hi to the producers, at least give them a little encouragement or something, but he was feeling more insecure lately.

It was a little embarrassing because he couldn't really talk to anyone about this-- but Felix was embarrassed that he was so bad at music.

His deep voice was kind of cool, he knew that. The raps he did were never the most technical, but they added a "new colour" to the song, as Chan would tell him. Honestly, all of 3Racha liked to fawn over his voice and tell him how great it was.

But without his deep voice, he was no sort of musical asset to the group. 3Racha knew how to produce already, it was like composing and writing lyrics was in their blood. Their vocalists all had their place in the group; singing intricate melodies, or hitting falsetto notes, or getting the emotional parts just right. And he knew they had some of the best rappers he'd ever seen.

Everyone else was learning how to produce from 3Racha, or other producers in the company, and it made him feel like he wasn't trying hard enough. Because he was the only one who hadn't really tried writing songs before. It wasn't like he wasn't trying to, but there was so much to producing that was tough for him.

He maybe had a shot at learning if he could learn in English. Chan knew enough about both English and producing in the company to teach him, but the leader was way too busy for Felix to imagine adding to his workload.

Felix sighed, refocusing his eyes on the paper in his hands.

Today they wanted the members to take turns coming in and recording their parts. Felix had gotten his lyrics and his guide track from Changbin. This time, he had a singing part. That was cool, maybe. He wasn't as confident in his singing as he probably should be. It just didn't feel right singing when there was a whole Kim Seungmin and his silky voice in the chorus part right after him, and an entire Han Jisung and his angelic voice watching from the other side of the recording booth glass.

He was supposed to record after Jeongin, so he waited in the hallway, pacing back and forth and singing his lines quietly to himself. He had to get this right. Even if it was the recording and not a live performance, because in a few weeks it would be a live performance. And then what the heck was he going to do if his voice sucked?

He stretched his neck nervously, wiping his sweaty palms on his sweatpants. He was way more nervous than he'd ever been to record something before. Usually he just had a rap, and then if he had a problem, it was the pronunciation of some Korean words, or the flow being a little off. But Changbin was really good at helping him fix that when he had problems.

Now he was supposed to sing, and he couldn't let his deep voice carry him through that. Now he had to worry about pitches and tonal quality and other fancy musical things that made him worry.

The door to the studio opened, and Felix's eyes darted up anxiously, expecting to see Jeongin walk out and announce it was Felix's turn to record.

Instead, Changbin was there, waving as he walked over. "Hey, Lix."

"Hey, hyung." he smiled back, trying not to betray his nerves.

"Are you nervous? We could see you pacing back and forth through the glass." The main rapper sent a comforting smile.

"Oh, haha, that's funny, hyung..." Felix tried to spare a grin, "I guess I'm a little nervous to sing. I don't do that much singing usually."

"That's okay. Do you want to sing it for me now, then? I'll help you."

"Um, yeah, okay." Felix cleared his throat nervously, taking a deep breath as he sang his part. It was literally just four lines, half of a verse, but he already felt insecure when the first word left his mouth.

Changbin nodded as he listened, a serious expression on his face. "Okay, okay, that's not bad. Your pitch on the last line gets a little bit high, but you can fix that, right?" Changbin smiled, but Felix could tell by his hyung's slightly pale, gaunt appearance that he was exhausted. Felix couldn't blame him for that, though, he wasn't even sure if any of 3Racha got more than four hours of sleep on days that they were finishing up a song. He hoped he could manage to get his recording done right, and not add on to their burden.

Just as he was about to try again, the door to the recording room swung open and Jeongin stepped out, giving a little wave. "Hey, hyungs! Chan-hyung said you can go in now."

Felix smiled, trying not to look nervous as he started towards the room. "Okay, thank you, Innie."

Changbin patted his back as the two entered. "You got this, yeah?"

Felix gave a thumbs-up as he entered the booth, putting the headphones on and standing in front of the microphone. Through the glass panel in front of him, Chan and Jisung were sitting in front of the desk, while Changbin stood behind them. They had weary smiles on their faces, and Felix smiled back, hoping he looked more confident than he felt.

Recording made him nervous because whatever he sang here would be around forever. Once the song was published, whatever he sang here would be listened to over and over again. If he didn't do a good job today, it would pretty much follow him around forever. Even if he could try it as many times as he needed, it didn't change the permanence of this recording. At least when his voice was slightly off during shows or performances, it was just three minutes. But this, this had the power to spite him for the rest of his life.

 _It's not that bad._ he reminded himself as Chan pushed a little button on the desk and spoke. The leader's voice came through the headphones.

"Okay, Felix, we're going to start the music at the first verse, so wait for sixteen counts before you go. You ready?"

Felix nodded, inconspicuously wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. He hoped it wasn't too noticeable how scared he was to sing. He'd just never done this for an official song before.

He nodded his head to the beat as he heard the song fill his ears, imagining Seungmin singing his part, then Chan singing his part, then--

His part came and he croaked.

His mind blanked, he forgot the lyrics despite them on the paper right in front of his eyes.

Chan stopped the music, and the producers looked up, confused. Felix grinned embarrassedly, "Sorry, sorry, I'll get it right next time."

"It's okay!" Jisung smiled as Felix heard the music start again. This time, he wouldn't miss his cue. Seungmin's part, then Chan's part, then--

Felix sang, hearing his deep voice in his ears. He focused on the words on the page, swaying slightly as he went through the lines. But his nervousness betrayed him, and it was obvious even to him that he ran out of air at the end, making the lyrics shaky.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Felix managed a nervous laugh. "I can do this part, I promise."

Chan nodded encouragingly. "Just take a deep breath and we'll go again, okay?"

Felix nodded quickly, taking a deep breath and giving them the thumbs-up to go again.

He focused as much as he could this time, trying to keep his voice steady, thinking about every note, and trying to hit it perfectly. The rapper's eyebrows knitted in concentration, hoping he'd sing this part well.

When it was over, and Chan stopped the music, Felix looked up to see a conflicted expression on the faces of the producers in front of him.

Changbin leaned forward and pressed the button on the table that would allow Felix to hear him. "I think you were a little too stiff this time," the main rapper suggested, "like you were trying so hard to be perfect, it almost comes out sounding forced. Can you maybe try it again, but relax a little? It's good though. You're doing well. This was better than the last one."

Felix nodded. "Okay, hyung." He tried to smile back, but he knew his attempt at positivity was wavering.

The music began once more. Felix sang, again, and this time he was cringing before he even hit his second line. It wasn't bad, not really, but he was starting to dislike the sound of his own singing. They'd put the song in a pretty low key so that he'd be able to reach the notes, but this was a little too low, and he could tell that he was really pushing to make his voice strong enough. It made his voice sound strained, and he just didn't like it.

The blond glanced up to see uncertain smiles on 3Racha's faces, and he tried to smile back, although now he was starting to worry.

He hadn't even gotten one take that was approved, deemed good enough to keep. Usually, they kept recording until there were three or four 'good' versions of the part, so they had options. Most of the members didn't have many bad takes, so it took maybe fifteen minutes max for each person.

Felix was one of the members who didn't make many mistakes. Usually, his parts were short and weren't super difficult. Aside from the occasional pronunciation error, he could easily be in and out of the recording booth in ten minutes.

He frowned as he looked at the time; ten minutes had already passed. He was never this bad. His clammy fingers were sweating so much that the edges of his lyric sheet were becoming damp. This was embarrassing-- he was supposed to be a musician. Why couldn't he sing like everyone else?

Behind the glass panel, the producers were talking to each other, but they hadn't pressed the button and Felix couldn't hear them. They looked a little worried, a little tense, and Felix fumbled with the hem of his shirt anxiously. What were they saying about him? They must be disappointed. His singing wasn't good enough. The young Australian's heart jumped into his throat as Chan turned to meet his eyes, pressing the button to speak. The expressions on 3Racha's faces were unreadable, but Felix knew it wasn't good.

"Felix, can you come in here a second? We have to talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for leaving this at a bit of a cliffhanger... this is already slightly longer than the previous chapters, so I figured it made sense to cut it here. I'll update this soon, though, so hopefully there won't be too long of a wait until the next chapter!


	4. Easy

Behind the glass panel, the producers were talking to each other, but they hadn't pressed the button and Felix couldn't hear them. They looked a little worried, a little tense, and Felix fumbled with the hem of his shirt anxiously. What were they saying about him? They must be disappointed. His singing wasn't good enough. The young Australian's heart jumped into his throat as Chan turned to meet his eyes, pressing the button to speak. The expressions on 3Racha's faces were unreadable, but Felix knew it wasn't good.

"Felix, can you come in here a second? We have to talk."

~~~~~~

A flurry of emotions rushed through Felix's head, but he tried to look as calm as possible. "Of course, hyung!" He flashed a smile, although anyone could probably tell it was more nervous than anything. _This can't be that bad, can it? What's the worst they can do-- kick me out of the group? Oh wait... actually, that's pretty bad. But they wouldn't do that. I know they wouldn't._

The dancer slipped off his headphones and came through the door separating the recording booth and the studio, fiddling his fingers nervously.

Jisung gave him a toothy grin. "Okay, Felix, we've got good news."

Felix frowned, a perplexed look taking over his delicate features. Had he heard that properly?

Changbin elbowed the younger producer in the ribs. " _No--_ " he hissed at Jisung-- "Felix, sorry about this, but we're going to have to change your part."

"Oh." Felix said quietly, not sure what to think.

"Yeah, why isn't that good news?" Jisung looked confused. "I thought this was good."

Chan sighed his _what-do-I-do-with-these-kids_ sigh, smiling tiredly. "Felix, we know you're working on your vocals right now, but we thought it would be better if we wait until you're a little more stable until we have you sing on a track. That's okay, right?"

"Oh, uh, sure, I guess so... what will I be doing, then?" Felix asked. Now he was starting to get a little worried. Would they just take him completely out of the track? Replace him with one of the vocal line?

"We decided what's best to do right now is to switch out your first verse, and then change your second verse into a rap." Chan explained. "Your voice is still the best one for that part, but we can figure out a beat for the lyrics, maybe change them slightly, and then you can just rap it. You don't have to sing."

Felix nodded reluctantly, uncomfortable with the idea of his part being taken away.

"It's still okay, right?" Chan said. "You still have the killing part, and the dance break. It'll still be okay without that first verse."

"Okay, I can do that." Felix said in as stable of a voice as he could muster.

He was trying to sound confident, but his heart was sinking. Yeah, it was true, he felt more comfortable rapping than singing. If someone had asked him if he wanted to rap or sing before they'd started recording, he'd say "rap" with no hesitation. The blond should be relieved right now. But, instead, he felt a bit disheartened. It wasn't like he was expecting his voice to be amazing, but he'd hoped it was good enough. He'd hated the thought of singing, but now that he was told he wasn't good enough for it, the words still stung. Maybe that's not exactly what they said, but it's what they meant.

Changbin smiled. "C'mon, Lix, I'll help you. Let's go somewhere and figure out the beat together, okay?"

Felix nodded. He was embarrassed now, an uncomfortable heat starting to crawl up his spine. His throat clenched and he felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. _Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._

Chan yawned as he glanced down at the schedule. "Minho's next to record, so we'll just bring him in and then you can go when you figure it out. JYP wants to come with other producers and listen to the song tomorrow, so we should get this done today." The leader suddenly straightened out his back, seeming to realise what he'd said. "Wait a second, Minho is next? Oh no," he laughed, hiding his face in his hands, "Changbin, you're going to leave me alone with these two, oh my god."

Jisung put on an offended look, slapping Chan's bicep. "What do you mean, _these two,_ hyung? Minho-hyung and I are completely normal."

Chan was laughing too hard to respond.

Changbin shook his head knowingly, tilting his head to tell Felix they should leave. As they left, the main rapper gave an amused sigh. "Don't mind them, they just haven't gotten enough sleep. Come on, where should we go to work on the lyrics?"

Felix shrugged. Everyone could laugh, but he couldn't. He was choking up now, he didn't want to speak in fear that he'd cry. He was frustrated with himself, how he was so upset over the fact that he couldn't sing well enough. This wasn't even that big of an issue, literally everyone else had moved on. And he was almost crying because of it. He blinked quickly, staring at the floor.

"Oh, I know, we can go to that quiet little place where we had lemonade a while ago!" Changbin sounded excited. Felix merely nodded, rubbing his neck as he followed the older of the two down the hall towards the elevator. He was trying so hard not to cry, but the thoughts invaded his conscience.

_Everyone else in Stray Kids can sing. I'm the only one they had to change a part for. I just completely lost my part. I might even ruin the way the song is supposed to sound. Nobody else is problematic like this, just me. They're all good at Korean. They're all good at singing. They're all good at rapping. Why didn't I work harder in singing lessons, why aren't I better at this by now?_

Felix quickly swiped at his eyes, hoping he would look completely fine. They were standing in front of the elevators now, and he could feel Changbin's presence beside him. The few inches of height difference didn't matter-- he felt small as he hunched in slightly, and it felt like Changbin was bigger beside him. He was afraid to turn and look at the rapper, unsure what the main rapper's expression would be. If his hyung had a pitiful look on his face, Felix didn't think he'd be able to stop the tears from coming.

The elevator doors opened, and Changbin pulled out his phone. Felix prepared for an elevator ride of awkward silence. Instead, the older of the two gave a quiet chuckle. "I know this is really random, but I actually have some lyrics that I think we might be able to adapt for your verse. If I can just find the note where I wrote them down..."

"Oh--" Felix stuttered, "oh, it's fine-- I mean, thank you, hyung, but I don't know if I can rap like how you rap."

Changbin shook his head. "No, I think you'd fit it really well. I tried to make these lines more dramatic than fast. Your voice is better suited to this style than mine. You're so lucky, you know?"

The elevator doors opened to let them out, and Felix followed his hyung out towards their new secret spot. "Hyung, do you really mean that?"

"Yeah." Changbin shrugged. "A voice like yours is rare in this industry."

Felix managed a tiny smile, but he stopped himself. _My voice might be rare, but is it even useful if I can't sing?_ "I like your voice too, hyung," he said shyly, wanting to return the compliment.

They entered the room, flicking the lights on and sitting in the same seats they'd sat in last time.

"Okay," Changbin tapped his phone a few times. "Let me write down the verse, and then we can figure this." He wrote neatly on the pad of paper that he'd taken from the recording studio.

Felix watched carefully, reading the lyrics over in his head. He'd been in Korea for almost a year, which should have been enough time to know Korean well, he reasoned with himself. And he could read all the individual characters, if they were pronounced as they were meant to. Even still, he was scared of getting it wrong. He usually practiced his pronunciation for lyrics over and over until he got it right. But there wasn't time for this now.

Changbin mumbled to himself, tapping the paper with his pen, evidently trying to figure out a good rhythm. Felix just continued piecing the words together in his head until he thought he could say them all smoothly.

"Okay." Changbin said. "I've got an idea. Watch this--" he started the music up on his phone-- "I used to shout out, yeah, I wouldn't change, yeah, but why am I changing endlessly depending on my surroundings?"

Felix nodded. The lyrics were all in Korean, but the speed seemed slow enough, he reasoned. It was possible.

"Try just reading the lyrics out loud first." Changbin suggested.

"I used to shout out, I wouldn't change. But why am I changing endlessly depending on my surroundings?" Felix tried, the words unfamiliar on his tongue. He tried again, trying to feel the rhythm in the words.

"Perfect, Lix." Changbin looked proud. "Okay, now try it with the music."

Every time he tried it, even with different rhythms, it seemed to work. Changbin made little excited movements and applauded every time he did it well, even though it didn't seem like that much to Felix.

It turned out the verse wasn't that bad, not as hard as Felix had expected. It was almost criminally easy, and that fact somehow hurt even more. It was like he couldn't be expected to do anything better. He couldn't sing, obviously, and his rapping wasn't even that good. He was in the dance line, so he was supposed to excel there, but he wasn't one of the main dancers. He didn't have Minho's precise technique or Hyunjin's perfect dancer's body.

He realized something very important the day he was confirmed to debut. Just because he could debut, didn't meant he was worthy of it. He wasn't as talented as his other members, and that was without the whole hurdle of learning Korean that he had to get past. JYP had said it to his face on national TV. He simply wasn't good enough, and that meant he had to work harder.

But Felix thought about his groupmates. How Chan wouldn't come back to the dorm sometimes, working on his songs so late into the night that he just slept on a couch. How Seungmin would write all his mistakes and corrections in his journal every single night. The hours that Minho and Hyunjin would spend choreographing late at night. Every single member was working hard. He was supposed to be working harder to catch up, but was he even working anywhere as hard as his members?

"Lix... Felix, are you listening?" Changbin waved a hand in front of his face.

"Sorry." Felix said quickly, a guilty smile on his face.

Changbin shook his head with a smile, waving it off. "Anyways, I think your part is good now, we should go back and record. I don't know where we're at, but everyone's probably done by now. Or almost finished, at least. After you, we just had Minho and Hyunjin. So they're probably both done by now."

"Oh, okay!" Felix hopped up from his seat, not wanting to waste any more of the producers' precious time. They'd be up all night mixing the song perfectly and adding effects to the voices, he knew. He didn't want to burden them even more.

They walked through the halls in silence, but Changbin gently held onto his hand when they got inside the elevator. "You can do this, you know. You're a lot better than you think."

"Oh, thank you, hyung." Felix hoped that the flush spreading over his face was because of the compliment and not anything else. The rapper's hand was unexpectedly soft to the touch, warm and firm. Felix gently squeezed with his smaller fingers, and Changbin squeezed back.

The doors opened, and they went straight to the studio, hands still linked together. Changbin pushed the door open, and Felix entered cautiously, expecting to see Chan and Jisung crowded around the computer screens.

Instead, the room was a little busier than he'd expected. Hyunjin was sitting on the couch in the back, leaning forward with interest, while the two producers watched through the glass eagerly.

Changbin walked right in, but Felix paused at the door when he realized what was happening.

Music was playing-- a similar sound he'd heard before. No, it was exactly the same sound he'd heard before.

This was the lead-up to his part.

Well, it had been his part before he had to give it up.

A deep voice began singing, and Felix felt chills running up and down his spine. Unlike the awkward, unprofessional takes he'd done, this voice was perfect. Silky smooth and yet just the right amount of sharpness to meet the song. The voice was stable, the breathing was fine...

Felix took a tentative step forward, the door almost closing behind him. He looked through the glass of the recording booth to see Seungmin singing. The vocalist's eyes were closed in focus, but the perfect tones sprung from his lips effortlessly.

Seungmin was singing his part.

Hyunjin sighed a little, his chin in the palm of his hand as he gazed at the singer.

 _Seungmin_ was singing _Felix's_ part.

A pit was burrowing in the rapper's stomach as he heard the very lyrics that he'd practiced, the very notes that he'd gone for. He couldn't even be upset, because Seungmin was obviously so much better. Felix had known Seungmin's lower vocal register was strong, since his fellow '00 liner was iconic for his smooth baritone notes. But even here, with the bass notes, Seungmin sounded **perfect**.

In that moment, Felix knew that he'd never be good enough.

And then, too quickly, the verse was over. Seungmin took one side of the headphones off his ears, looking through the glass panel. "Was that okay?"

Hyunjin bounced up from his seat on the couch, pressing the button to speak. "That was so good," the dancer gushed, "it doesn't even sound real, it's perfect."

Chan laughed. "Seungmin, that was really good. It's exactly what I imagined for this part. Honestly, it's even better than what I imagined for this part. I think we have enough recordings, you're free to go."

Better? The word echoed in Felix's mind. He knew what it meant. Chan's original plan had Felix singing this part, but Seungmin did even better than what Chan had originally planned for.

Seungmin was better than Felix on a part that wasn't even his to begin with.

And Felix had no arguments, because he knew it was true.

The vocalist hung the headphones up in the recording booth and came through the door to the studio, laughing as Hyunjin grabbed him in a hug and lifted him off his feet, spinning him in a circle and patting him as he set him down.

Seungmin straightened out his clothes with a smile, looking up. "Oh, hey Changbin-hyung, hey Felix. I didn't see you guys here before. I thought you were done?"

Chan swiveled around in his chair so quickly that Felix took a step back in surprise. Evidently, the leader hadn't noticed the two additional presences in the room. A guilty expression passed over his face before he quickly masked it with a smile. "No, there was one more part we wanted Felix to do."

"Oh, just like how I had to do an extra part after my first recording? Twins!" Seungmin chuckled. Felix managed a weak smile, realizing that the younger had no idea that the part had been meant for someone else.

"Yah!" Jisung stood up dramatically from his chair, the chair itself rolling into the wall. "Felix is my twin by birthright, you don't get to take him away from me."

Seungmin just smiled, shaking his head as Hyunjin took his arm and they left the studio. "Bye, guys, good luck!"

The door closed, and Felix tried not to meet anyone's gaze. "Uh, so I guess I'll just start recording then, try not to waste more time." He went straight for the door, pretending not to notice Jisung's attempt at a high-five.

He took a sip of water and put the headphones on slowly, pretending to adjust the dials and knobs. Really, he was just trying to get a little extra time to get his head in order. He knew this was going to happen, that his part would be replaced by someone else. But he hadn't expected to feel this hurt by it.

The rapper took a deep breath, steadying himself. Just this one verse, and he'd be done.

"Ready for the music?" Changbin asked, and Felix sent a thumbs-up.

The music played, and Felix found himself rapping. Even though he'd just learned it, the syllables came naturally off his tongue. It was an easy rap for him, and quickly the four lines were done.

"That was really good!" Chan enthused once the music had stopped. "I think that was probably good enough, but we can do some more takes just to have them. Try whatever you like, you have everything down perfectly."

Felix nodded. "Okay, let's go!" He sent a smile to the producers.

And he did it again, three more times. Each time the producers liked it, and each time they seemed to think he'd done a good job.

But Felix was starting to dislike it. This rap was easy, he knew that. They were giving him so many compliments for this because they thought he was upset at the other thing. Which he was. But he was embarrassed that they knew that.

"Okay, I think that's enough." Chan said.

Felix nodded, putting everything in the recording studio back into place. He stepped into the studio, keeping the smile on his face. "If that's all, I guess I'll go--"

"Wait." Chan spoke in English, and the unexpected language made Felix stop in his tracks anyways.

"Hm?"

"Hey, I'm sorry we didn't say anything about giving Seungmin the part." Chan said, switching naturally to Korean. "We just needed someone to fill the part, and with the vocalists' ranges, it made the most sense to do this."

_I know. Seungmin is perfect for this. I'm okay with this. I really am._

"It's just better for the feel of the song, you know that, right?" Jisung said gently. "And you have a lot of parts already."

_Yeah... there's too much of my voice on this track. I have more parts than I usually do, even without this part. This is okay. I'm okay. I'm not upset._

"No, I know, it's okay." Felix was forcing the smile to stay on his face, refusing to even let his eyes water. "I heard Seungmin sing, it was really good. You made the right choice."

"And it's not like there won't be other songs," Chan said, "maybe there will be another song where your singing will fit better. Your singing isn't bad, you know, it's just not the right feel for this particular song."

_You don't have to lie to me. I get it. I'm not a singer. I'm just the deep-voice guy. Oh, but apparently not anymore, not when our vocalists can do that better than me. And they're fluent in Korean, too, so that's a plus. But I get it. Above all, this is about our music. Not about my feelings. You have to do what's best for the song._

"Yeah, I know." Felix was clenching a fist behind his back as tightly as he could, needing an outlet for his emotions. "I actually really wanted to do some dancing tonight, so I'll just go, have fun making the songs, I guess." He left before the wavering smile on his face could fall.

Felix felt his lungs tighten, the pent-up emotion begging to be let out. He let his legs carry him into the elevator, clicking the button for a random floor. The doors closed and he found himself alone in the small space, closing his eyes and willing himself to keep it together just a few moments more. Just until he could be alone.

As soon as the doors opened, he jogged weakly down the hall, looking for an empty individual practice room. He slipped into the first one he saw, and as soon as he was inside with his back against the door, Felix let himself cry.

_I'll never be good enough, no matter how hard I try._

__

_I'm going to have work even harder, as hard as I can. Even if I can never compare to my teammates, I can't keep letting them down._

____

_I just don't know how much harder I can work until I just can't do this anymore._

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> I accidentally deleted half of this chapter and so I'm sorry it took a little extra time to finish this... I hope you still enjoyed it, and I hope the cliffhanger in the last chapter didn't leave you in too much suspense.
> 
> If you're curious-- the lyrics from Felix's rap are from Side Effects, translated into English! I didn't trust myself to attempt to write rap lyrics of my own. I've also been really unexpectedly enjoying Side Effects recently, although it's quite unlike my usual preferences of slow/sad songs. This is the magic of Stray Kids-- getting me interested in music I'd ordinarily have never listened to.
> 
> I'm also really wondering what you think of this story so far? I originally planned to make this a "slow descent into sadness" type thing, instead of something where it all hits at once. Would you rather this story move faster? Slower? Or is it going at a good pace so far?
> 
> If this interests you: check out my Instagram! I do some digital drawing of Kpop artists here:) https://www.instagram.com/bt.s.unshine/

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this-- this is my first time trying to write a work with chapters, so we'll see how it goes :)


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